7 Long Years


You know that song ‘There’s a Tear in My Beer’? Well last night there was a tear in my wine. For the second time in 7 years, my husband forgot our anniversary. The first time he forgot, I reminded him the week before the event. He still spaced. This year, I did’t remind him and neither did his mother. He has had enough troubles this year remembering he is actually married. He says he loves us, me and the family, and that he really wants things to work. But then he forgets which MONTH we were actually married in.

The beginning of our story is sweet, the current reality is not. He was best friends with the younger brother of one of my best friends in High School. Convoluted, but we knew each other and hung out, a lot. We were all in the same graduating class. No, we didn’t date back then. I thought he was too much of a goober. Too silly, never taking anything seriously and really kind of a dork in that ‘Im going to be an auto-mechanic’ kind of way. (No disrespect to that very valuable and highly capable profession. The boy was taking 4 hours of auto shop classes in High School) I was the classic over achiever – 4 Advanced Placement for College classes and worked a 20hr/wk gig to keep me in girly shoes and stuff. That should have been a clue. Fast forward 10 years, and he emails me on classmates.com (before Facebook for you young’uns). I remembered his name and thought I should email him back. Turns out, he was living quite close to where I was living and our dinner to talk about old times became our 1st date. Fast forward 6months and we are expecting twins and getting married. He says he always had a crush on me.

The ‘happily ever after’ never really happened. I knew marriage was hard work, Id seen my parents go through their own ups and downs.  A warning to many other young people. Date, date and date some more, for YEARS if you have to, in order to REALLY get to know the person you will marry. The week after we were married, he shipped out to Germany for 3 years. Half of that time he was deployed, so I didn’t move. His philosophies on raising children, work ethic and spot in his career path are VASTLY different than my own. I only really realized this after he came home and started college. He never really did look for a job while he was in school. Which was REALLY disappointing considering I was able to work 2 jobs while going to school. Of course that was before I had kids, so I figured he really should only have 1 job. I thought I was being realistic/honest. Perhaps I was too hard on him, but I wanted to show my kids a good example, someone who could put the petal the metal and take care of business. He was 30+yrs old. He had standards, and daycare to afford. Although he SAID he wanted a job, he didn’t look for one. Rather than look and be rejected, he became a stay at home dad, and we had baby #3. A stay at home parent is a great thing: 1) when you can afford it and 2) when both parents agree that is what should happen 3) the stay at home parent actually handles the stay-at-home part according to agreed upon ideals and activities. He didn’t and he hated it (so he says), and he was finally convinced to try something new.

Now he has a job, but it requires a BUNCH of travel, so he’s almost never home. And, some things have happened to put us in counseling, when he is in town. The rest of the time, things are strained. We talk about the kids, but that is about it. He is getting counseling on his own as well. Maybe Im just tired of being disappointed. Im tired of having to manage a grown mans life. This isn’t a ploy for flowers or presents or anything. We can’t afford anything fancy right now. All I wanted was a text message. Something simple, something easy. Unfortunately, his lack of action is in direct contrast of what he is says. This is a pattern. This has been a long really long 7 years. I hope with counseling and prayer it gets better.

7 thoughts on “7 Long Years

    • Thanks. It’s been a tough year for us. I’m hopeful though now that we have entered the counseling stage, we can make some progress. Yesterday was just a really bad day.

  1. I don’t have any good advice or anything like that, but wanted to send a few internet “hugs” your way. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of this stuff. It sounds stressful and like a huge load for anyone to handle, but my guess is that it’s even harder with little ones. I hope things get better for you.

    • Thanks for the hugs. Strange thing is we’ve actually loved apart more than we’ve been together. I think this year everything reached a boiling point. Whatever doesn’t break us will make us stronger, at least I hope so!

    • Thank you. It has been a long year – bit Im ever hopeful that it will recover with counseling. I never would have thought I would stay in a relationship with such a history, but it’s amazing what marriage and kids will do!

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